Part 1 - The Civilian Years
The following journal entries are from 1994. During this time, I lived
in the quiet town of Midville where I attended Hoover Senior High.
Tuesday
Spooky Esterman did it. We dared him to astral travel to
Area 51 and find out what was inside once and for all. So during lunch break
he entered a trance and set off for Nevada. Arnie and I kept look out while
Spooky’s body was twitching. After twenty minutes he returned with the news…
Area 51 is full of old Atari E.T. cartridges.
I have a sneaking suspicion he spent the lunch break in
the girl’s locker room.
Wednesday
Got sent to principal Thumper’s office today but it wasn’t
my fault. During sex education class Mister Cartwright was explaining the
functions of the vagina, specifically the labia majora when his voice started
to rise. He looked a little embarrassed but continued on with his lecture.
Then his voice got squeakier and squeakier until the whole class started
laughing. Mister Cartwright started cursing and the angrier he got the higher
pitched his voice became. He leapt from the front of the class and grabbed me
by the scruff of the neck. He dragged me all the way to Thumper’s office as
the whole class looked on. Thumper wouldn’t believe I was innocent so I have
detention all next week.
After school I found out that Morty Sphinx had a canister
of helium gas hidden in his desk. What a scumbag.
Wednesday
Captain Righteous was on This Is Your Life
tonight. It was great. They had a lot of his friends on the show including Doctor
Avalanche, Colonel Brimstone and The Temptress. They even had some old
footage of him battling the Notyeti in Siberia. By the end of the show he was
all choked up.
Monday
Spooky Esterman was caught astral traveling in the girl’s
locker room again. Word is if he gets caught one more time he’ll be expelled.
Tuesday
A recruiting agent from the Federal Bureau of Super Powers
paid us a visit. He wore a black suit and carried a silver briefcase. Brad
Jenkins started laughing when my best friend Arnie whispered something to
him. Miss Boyle stood up and told Arnie to share the joke with the class.
Arnie said the briefcase contained an apple, a beef sandwich, a pile of
papers and a copy of Shaven Haven. Miss Boyle and the agent went bright red.
The whole class burst into laughter.
After lunch the class was divided into kids with super
powers and kids without. I just scraped into the super power category because
I can create helium gas just by thinking about it. We went to the auditorium
where we had to sit still for a whole hour. The agent droned on about us
having special abilities and how these abilities should be used for good. I
wish I had gone to Thumper’s office with Arnie. When the agent finished he
thanked us for our time and Miss Boyle made us give him a round of applause.
As we left the auditorium we were handed a pamphlet with information on the
Bureau of Super Powers.
Wednesday
Had Sex Education class again. Mister Cartwright got to
finish his vagina monologue.
Thursday
Arnie told me today that his mom is pregnant and that he’s
going to have a baby brother. He knew this because he took a quick peek with
his x-ray vision. Since the cheerleader incident he’s not supposed to use his
powers without permission. That’s why he wears lead coated glasses.
Tuesday
Spooky said that he’s going to join the Federal Bureau of
Super Powers after we graduate. Arnie reminded him that he has to graduate
first. Spooky said that his days in the girl’s locker room were over so that
wouldn’t be a problem. He said he’d learnt how to astral travel to
Copenhagen. I didn’t know Spooky was interested in foreign cultures.
Friday
During dinner I told mom and dad about Arnie’s new baby
brother. I said it would be really cool if we could get one too but that I’d prefer
a sister. Dad went quiet and mom got up and left the room. I asked dad if mom
was okay and he said she was feeling a little stressed today. After dinner
dad went outside and sat alone in the dark.
Saturday
Arnie got a weekend job down at the docks helping Customs
search cargo ship containers. It’s pretty cool that he can use his powers to
help make a difference. I wish I had a super power like Arnie’s. When we were
kids we always talked about being super heroes like Doctor Avalanche and the
Atomic Justice. All I can do is turn air into helium, which is pretty lousy.
Thursday
Went shopping with Arnie at the mall. He bought his
soon-to-be little brother a blue teddy bear. He’s really getting into the big
brother thing. I wish I was big brother. Or even a little brother. It’s
lonely being an only child.
Saturday
I saw on the news tonight that Captain Righteous fought
and defeated the Agents of Misery. They were trying to launch all of the deep
space nuclear missiles at the Pentagon. But Righteous showed up in the nick
of time and blasted them into deep space. A reporter asked him if he thought
we’d ever hear from the Agents of Misery again and Righteous held up his
glowing power fist and said, “I doubt it.”
Even though they were super villains Righteous asked that
we observe a moments silence for the sad and misguided Agents of Misery. They
were Branior the robot genius, Maneater the femme fatale, King Clobber the
steroid enhanced giant and the telekinetic Matter Mover.
I want to be a super hero so bad.
Sunday
Dad told me today the reason why I’m an only child. He
said that before he was a used car salesmen he used to work for the military
at a nuclear base. One day there was an accident and he got plutonium on his
overalls. Shortly after the accident mom got pregnant with me, but before I
was born my dad found out he had cancer of the testicles. The doctors found
it in time to save his life but they had to remove his testes.
My dad told me that at least some good came out of it; it
was because of the radiation that I got my special abilities. Still I feel
real bad. I have all this power and I couldn’t even save his balls. He told
me “Great power comes at a great price.” My dad is a very wise man.
Tuesday
I’ve been experimenting with my helium producing powers.
I’ve never known where I actually produce the gas. I’ve tried blocking my
nose, my mouth and my ears but I can still produce the gas. Only one more
place left to try…
Friday
Sphinxter played another one of his practical jokes again
today. He loosened the bolts on the front wheel of my bike. What was supposed
to be a funny sight of me getting on my bike and falling off turned into much
worse. The wheel stayed on until I left the school grounds and fell off just
as I was going through the Main Street intersection. Before I knew it I was
in the middle of swerving cars and trucks. The kids at the bus line ran over
to the curb to see what was happening. I was hit first by a brown sedan, then
by a pick up truck and was finally thrown clear of the road by a blow from a
speeding taxi. I just lay there thinking I was dead when Sphinxter ran over
to me as white as a ghost. Arnie appeared above me and took off his glasses.
He was just staring at me in disbelief. He told me I didn’t even break one
bone.
When I got home I told my parents what happened. I told
them that I was indestructible. They said they already new. They never told
me because they were afraid I might do something stupid like jump off a
building. Dad warned me that I was “nigh invulnerable” and that some things
could hurt me but they weren’t sure what.
All in all today was a great day.
Saturday
Spent all day jumping off buildings.
Sunday
Woke up sore, but happy.
I have a real super power.
I am indestructible.
I will be a super hero!
After graduating high school, I left home to embark on a working
holiday around America. I used this time to reflect upon my life and think
about the role I would take in the world. And get laid.
Part 2 - The Almost
Heroic Years
Two years later I returned to Midville to find a more stable job and
perhaps settle down. The events that unfolded here would forever shape my
destiny.
Thursday
I’ve been back home for three weeks now and not much has
happened. I’ve spent everyday looking for work, but here doesn’t seem to be
much call for super heroes around these parts. I might have to take whatever
I can get.
Saturday
I caught up with Arnie today. He’s looking great. He won a
scholarship to study at Knoxwell, the premier college for Super
African-Americans. He’s majoring in Radiology with a minor in Busting Heads.
Should be a piece of cake.
Monday
I answered a job in the local paper for a children’s
entertainer. The lady asked what entertainment experience I had and I said I
could emit helium gas. She said I got the job. The coolest thing is I get to
wear a brightly colored costume. This could be the next best thing to being a
super hero!
Saturday
I had my first gig as a children’s entertainer today. I am
Flooby the Clown. I have a bright blue and yellow costume and a big red nose.
The party started off slowly with the kids more interested in trying to rip
off my nose and wig then watch my magic tricks. But the little tikes warmed
up when I did my piece de resistance – the amazing “50 balloon simultaneous
inflation” trick. This was followed by my helium induced squeaky rendition of
some popular Nirvana ditties.
One of the kid’s moms tried to come onto me, but I held steady
and told her that I have to honor my role as an entertainer of children.
Business before pleasure, that’s my motto. She slipped me her phone number on
a piece of diaper package. I think I’ll give that one a miss.
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